04 February 2010

On that (SECOND) Bloody Movie Involving Shiny Vampires...

I can't stay quiet about this new Twilight movie. Seriously, people, it's been two months. Give it a rest already. Do we still need to be talking about "Twilight 2: The Return of Skinny Emo Vamps" (this time with even more glitter, and SHIRTLESS!)?? I mean, really...I can sum up this movie for you in four words: bad story, bad acting. And that's all you really need to know...not that you should stop reading this rant, mind you...

First of all, let's sum up "Twilight 1: Enter Glittery Vampires." You have Bella, a self-absorbed emo-teen who speaks in mono-tone (or not at all) and doesn't smile for pretty much the whole movie. And you have Edward, a 100+ year-old, shiny vampire who can't make up his mind (though he seems to have no trouble making up his face) and who has serious communication problems. So take two "people" (but seriously, can we even label them this, since Ed is a blood-sucking monster, and B is about as zombie as an actual human can get, or at least you'll think so until you see DivaVampII...) and throw them into a weird, blood-scented, glitter-induced relationship, and what you get is two people who can't admit they even want to be friends with each other trying to be together yet avoid each other for about two hours of screen time. Such a thriller. I can't even tell you how it makes my heart pound.

So "Twilight: New Moon"...yeah, it pretty much picks right up where the first messy affair left off. Bella and Edward are still fighting their attraction while not saying much of anything.

The movie's plot is even worse than you might imagine. Summed up in basic dialogue, it goes something like this:

Bella: Since I apparently order people around on my birthday, kiss me while I do a cocky eyebrow raise.

Edward: I'm...leaving you...forever...because...(dramatic stare)...my...little brother...tried to...(traumatized pause)...eat you...after you got...[wait for it]...a paper cut.

Bella: I now have a death wish, but since I couldn't die while I was waddling on the ground for hours out in the forest where I know there is a horrific wild animal killing people, I'm just going to wallow in my misery for months on end, throw away every other relationship in my life, and become an obsessed adrenalin junkie who totally uses this hunk Jacob, even though I know he's head over heels in love with me...but do I care?? Heck, no, because all I can even think about is how to be stupid enough to get my vampire ex's dramatically-eyebrowed, ghostly visage to appear and tell me not to be stupid. Oh - and let's see if we can't just throw a random trip to Italy in the mix!!

SERIOUSLY, my dialogue is actually better than the dialogue in the movie. If someone had just thought to release a two and a half minute version (thirty seconds for Bella to say her stuff, and the other two minutes for darling Edward to stumble though his one soggy line), it would have saved movie-goers the trouble of yawning through all those lousy scenes that DRAG on for HOURS without effecting the plot AT ALL. Yeah, my dialogue just about sums up the whole movie, other than mentioning that all the main male characters go through wardrobes full of shirts because they keep ripping them off through the whole movie.

Actually, let's chat about the shirtless guys in this movie for a little bit...

I didn't COUNT the number of times the Twilight guys ripped their shirts off this time around, so I'm just going off the top of my head for this one...

First of all, you have Jacob, Mr. Werewolf himself, pulling off his shirt to wipe Bella's head. What I want to know is, what kind of guy just offs his shirt to sponge a girl's head?? It isn't like she's bleeding that much. You can't even SEE the blood until after you see that Jacob has just stripped off half his clothes in the middle of the road.

Here's a paraphrased dialogue from the movie:

Bella says, "I'm sorry."

And Jacobs replies, "Sorry? You don't have to apologize for bleeding, Bella. It's just blood."

OK, SO IT'S JUST BLOOD, SO LEAVE YOUR BLOODY SHIRT ON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I was more worried about that than the fact that Bella's head was bleeding. She would do a great Monty Python, though...only a flesh wound and all.

Not that most of the women watching the movie are going to complain about Jacob not wearing his shirt... He isn't so bad. There, that had to be said, unfortunately, to make this an honest rant.

But really, those werewolves...What I'm curious about is this...every time they change from humans to wolves, their shirts rip off, so then when they change back, they're shirtless. OK, so that seems to make sense, RIGHT?? But WHAT ABOUT THEIR SHORTS??? Not that I WANTED to see them naked, because that is NOT where I'm going with this, but seriously...just being logical, wouldn't the same thing happen to their shorts?? If a wolf is too big for a man's shirt, he's probably going to be too big for a man's shorts too. And yet here is this pack of werewolves wandering around in shorts the whole movie. Explanation???

Ok, so here's the one that's really painful to talk about: dear Ed and his glittery chest there at the end of the movie when he's going to reveal himself to the crowd in Italy...

Do any of us really want to see his pasty, chicken-fleshy chest??? NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO. Please, Edward, either work out or leave your shirt on in future movies. And lay off the glitter while you're at it. That stuff can't be good for your lungs. Or our eyes.

Alright, moving on...I can't take that subject anymore.

I don't get why everyone feels so sorry for Bella. Will someone explain this please?? Because from what I can see, she has two guys who desperately want her. She's pretty much best friends with one of them, and he happens to be a fairly good guy from the looks of it. He's got a sense of humor, great hair, a great body, and he cares about her more than about himself (or his shirt). The other guy, although he lacks charm, wit, good looks, or humor (and does not lack in age, pasty flesh, fangs or glitter), is so devoted to Bella's safety that he leaves her despite the fact that he is willing to die if she stops existing in his world. So what is she complaining about all the time??? The whole movie, not to mention the lives of both of these guys, revolves around her, for pete's sake...isn't that exactly what she wants??

So what are some reactions people are having, other than blowing way too much money, over this New Bloody Travesty?? It might be easy to write me off here and say that people aren't really taking the Twilight craze too far, and that it's easy to separate the fantasy from the reality, but I heard about a guy who posted on fmylife.com that his WIFE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PUT GLITTER ALL OVER HIM WHILE HE SLEPT SO THAT HE WOULD LOOK LIKE EDWARD IN THE SUNLIGHT. I mean, COME ON!??! If we go with the assumption that this actually happened, then we have to stop and say a quick prayer for this poor guy's marriage, because his wife obviously thinks there's room for dramatic aesthetic improvement...Or we could just go with the assumption that that didn't really happen, but even the guy writing it had to think up the idea, right?? And that might even be worse than it actually happening because then it's HIM WHO HAS BEEN DAY DREAMING ABOUT EDWARD, in which case we still need to pray for his marriage. I honestly can't decide which scenario is worse. At least we'll all know exactly what's going on when people start complaining about the rising price of glitter...

Oh...here's something else that bugged me...

Bella decides she wants Edward to change her into a vampire. He doesn't want to because he's worried about her losing her soul. And all Bella can say to that is a stuttered, "Well, I don't believe in that." My dear girl, you didn't believe in vampires either until the middle of the last movie. And all it took was a little book of old Indian stories and a few internet articles to convince you. Why don't you read the BIBLE and figure out the bit about your soul before you influence yet more people to decide the vampire religion is more interesting than worrying about where they'll be spending eternity??

A basic message of this movie: That it's ok to romanticize and flirt with suicide just because you don't have someone to complete you. I sadly wonder how many young girls actually will commit suicide because they've seen this movie and think it's ok to act like Bella does when she loses Edward, or like Edward does when he thinks Bella is dead.

I could go on and on forever about this movie, but my fingers are sore from all the typing. I could talk about the ridiculous slow motion romp in the woods, or bring up the way Edward still can't stop staring, but for now I'll just quote Bella...

Bella said that she felt like a hole had been punched through her chest. Watching this movie makes me feel like a hole has been punched through my head, and that is no exaggeration.

Ranting a bit too late to stop the craze,
That girl in Switzerland


  1. Ha ha! I love you.

  2. The fact that you read and laugh just warms my heart. :-D I love you too!